Hilmary-Oceans

2012-01-29T23:44:00.002+08:00

I'm falling in love
But it's falling apart
I need to find my way back to the start ...

- The Maine, Into Your Arms

10. put your music player on shuffle and write the first ten songs that play

2011-12-06T00:25:00.004+08:00

clothes off - gym class heroes

standing all alone - not by choice

don't forget - demi lovato

if i fell - evan rachel woods (across the universe ost)

hallelujah - imogen heap

drops of jupiter - train

our song - taylor swift

4ever - the veronicas

catastrophe - forever the sickest kids

promise - matchbook romance

gah .. so embarrassing. i haven't updated my playlist for a good two to three years. so these are real old songs i haven't listened to for ages. in my defence i'm gonna add the last five youtube videos i favourited in this mix as well:

underwater - allison harvard (http://youtu.be/fM1Y7gci_Tw)

someone like you - connie talbot (http://youtu.be/kIuQ6zetHiQ)

rumor has it/someone like you - trouble tones/glee (http://youtu.be/qb7zjKkLCoQ)

sing for me (acoustic) - yellowcard (http://youtu.be/hC0SavZptSo)

love like woe (acoustic) - the ready set (http://youtu.be/SaEflZufFoM)

i think it's quite obvious my music taste is all over the place.

9. how important you think education is

2011-11-30T01:13:00.003+08:00

i think i'd be stupid to say that education is not important. reading, writing, learning - they are dangerous tools. they can abolish slavery (Federick Douglass), rhetoric can coax political change (Barrack Obama) and encourage minorities (subaltern studies).

but to what extent is education necessary, or enough? to what point are we just learning for the sake of getting a certificate, a degree or a qualification? there's a point in time, i'm sure everyone would agree, when it feels like you're learning just so you can get a qualification, just so you can get a job that you want - regardless of whether that job really requires you to really know what you're learning now. you wonder, why am i learning about this theory or this person when, i'm sure, my future career will never require me to apply this knowledge ... why?

i think education is important when you are educated on something that essentially teaches you something. not something you memorise so that you can throw out of your head another day, after the test per say. i believe that, at the end of a few years, what stays in your head, that's the important knowledge you've gotten out of your education. it is what you can take out of the classroom - intangibly. education should teach you good morals, that nothing can be gotten out of cheating, that hard (and smart) work equals plentiful rewards and the satisfaction you get from something you did yourself is one of the best feelings you can get in the world.

education should teach you that, if anything, you can never truly learn by just listening and reading. educating yourself is through action, through doing. "The preamble of thought, the transition through which it passes from the unconscious to the conscious, is action." - Ralph Waldo Emerson.

read pessoa

2011-11-18T18:40:00.001+08:00

8. what you ate today

2011-11-17T01:19:00.003+08:00

woke up, went to national eye centre for my check-up, had chicken sausage roll from Polar (sorry, no picture for that). next, had Pastamania for lunch: Cheese Crumble, fuselli, minestrone soup, Fanta. then watched a movie, had large popcorn combo with lemon tea. after that, went to cold rock for "break the rules": consists of bubblegum ice-cream, gummy bears, MnMs, marshmallows. rating: 6.5/10. gummy bears too tough to chew. went back to hall and had fried fish noodles. nice hot and soupy during cold rainy weather. went back to the room and made powdered lemon tea. snacked on pringles salt and vinegar towards night time. calorie count: don't care.

7. five pet peeves

2011-11-14T23:36:00.005+08:00

disclaimer: i'm not pinpointing fingers to anyone in this post. i am not really fond of writing 'pet peeves' 'cause it kind of 'peeves' me to begin with, it does not really present a very positive image of myself. so apologies in advance.

act-cute-attention-seeking girls who speak in unnaturally high-pitched, enthused voices and are conditioned barbies of the oestrogen-filled masses. their heads are fumigated with korean pop band lyrics, transient fashion trends, shopping malls and boys. they do not take their parents' money into consideration. their happiness is easily filled with a materialistic, hedonistic lifestyle. BUT i don't believe that this is their true selves. i believe that they have just stupidly made a wrong choice in life by flicking a deactivation switch in their occipital bone. they need to realise that they do not need to be constantly accepted into society. society is man-made. they need to get their neurons reactivated and aim to change the society they're in. especially, the one that makes them think in this flatline fashion to begin with.

self-righteousness. don't really want to elaborate, in case i offend anyone.

precocious tweens who think they're being cool in public transport by either talking and mocking each other really loudly, offending fellow commuters with their garish behaviour, or turning up the volume in their earphones so that everyone knows that they are 'hardcore rockers' ... the latter of the three being kind of okay with me, 'cause in the end, it's their eardrums that will get damaged.

people who don't follow George Orwell's "Politics and the English Language" (1946) i.e. 'superfluous jargon' (http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/george-orwells-5-rules-for-effective-writing/), and similarly, people who write in downright poor English, i.e. "GUIZZEE, omg, 2daiz i lyk 4get 2 brought mi homwrk!!!!" oh. and all capitals. as you can tell from my blog, i'm kind of allergic to all caps. and people who are just ignorant when it comes to grammar rules. and people who criticise other people about grammar and in their criticism spell it as 'grammer' ... apparently spelling doesn't matter. and people who write a point and deviate till it's obvious they don't know what they're specific about anymore ... like this particular number four pet peeve ... yeah ...

teachers who, once they know one lying, ill intention student, think that they know all students. or, well, teachers who instantly jump to conclusions that i'm one of them. 'cause i'm not.

6. your views on mainstream music

2011-11-03T11:07:00.003+08:00

i really wanted to take some time to write this, consider it. i've never been against ‘mainstream music’ ‘cause i do listen to it all the time. but whenever i try to define myself with music, i always try to avoid mentioning any extremely ‘mainstream artists’.

‘mainstream music’ is a generic term. and to stereotype people who listen to ‘mainstream music’ is incredibly stupid. ‘cause firstly, no one can like all ‘mainstream music’. so therefore, to term them as unoriginal, unappreciative of ‘good music’, part of the hedonistic, unthinking society, and someone you can never possibly relate to is wrong.

‘mainstream’ is a huge chunk of music. can anyone like all of that whole chunk? no. unless you really are a spineless person without musical taste and just taste everything as it is. you miss the beat, the rhythm, the clarity of mind on what has depth and what is without. someone who does not have some personal connection to culture will like everything.

i can say confidently myself that I prefer the acoustic guitar and the naked voice in comparison to rap music. rap music does not sit well with me, if i try to digest it, i’ll just throw it up again, my body has a naturally in-built resistance. although, i did like Eminem back in the days, and that was because his music told a story, it was a mini-narrative. i could relate to it. but i can’t relate to a majority of rap music due to their content. i don’t care for club-related music. unless, i'm in a club – which i usually never am. back in the days, i liked (and still have an affinity towards) rock music. but not the ones associated with how amazing a life of fame and drugs is. i don’t relate to that either. i like the ones that deal with the complexities of the existence of life. or those that tell a story. music with a good story never grows old. hence, i like Green Day’s American Idiot – the entire album is a story.

i like people who cover ‘mainstream music’ … but only those who know how to cover it well. people with good tone and a good story behind them. you can have good tone and sing a song well, but it you don’t put yourself in the lyrics, the words are meaningless. if you have terrible tone and a good story behind it it’s difficult to listen to .. but, i can listen to it for the heart behind it.

so … ‘mainstream music’? no, i don’t like ‘mainstream music’. i don’t like the term, the negative connotations behind it, the entire concept of distinguishing it apart from other music. but i like different kinds of songs, different kinds of music, different genres, artists etc. liking music is more complex than just the genre. it is about liking things with a song that you can relate to or feel yourself in. essentially, it is about art that you can find a part of yourself reflected in.

5. things you want to say to an ex

2011-11-02T02:00:00.004+08:00

this one's short and sweet. never had an ex. never hope to have one. so ...

this november ...

2011-11-02T01:55:00.003+08:00

i give to you the music of Pretty Little Liars
- A

4. bullet your whole day

2011-11-01T02:17:00.005+08:00

bulleting Oct 31st 2011

alarm rang at 9.15am. hit snooze a couple of times 'cause in my dream i was getting ready for my 21st b'day, looking in the closet for a good outfit to wear, saw new clothes i'd never seen in my life, got excited. fully woke up only at around 9.30am.

got ready in a dazed stupor. left the room at 9.50am.

printed notes out for my lecture at the adm. only one using the computer's this morning. strange. printer quality bad. ahuh. filled my water bottle while i left the building.

caught the bus early. reached lecture at around 10.10am .. lecture starts at 10.30am. thinking, no problem, time to look through notes again ... what the hell is fuzzy edge phenomenon again ...

quiz 3 started. quiz 3 ended ... hmm, not too bad. messaged novio that. restless during the rest of lecture ... something about meaning change. one hand highlighting, the other hand tumblring. tsk tsk.

then tutorial. so hungry. stomach a cavernous wretch crying in utter desolation "fooooood!"

1.30pm. finally, lunch. can b chicken chop spag, cream sauce. mmhmm. started raining midway lunch. crap. bubble tea. yay.

walked from south to north spine to avoid rain. waited for ages for bus b. mosquito bites. slap slap. caught bus b. back in room.

mindless birzzle on iTouch. chilling for a good 2-3 hours.

close analysis of "The Fall of the House of Usher" till dinner time.

7pm dinner: tom yam fried rice. pick pick the veggies off. yuck.

back in room, more analysis. music in the background: the maine. drown out novio's presentation practice. laughed at novio's pronounciation.

call from roomie! yay! surprise visit. stuffed peanut butter MnMs and turkish delight down her throat. prep for run.

10.30pm: went running. 2.4km. the standard. drizzling on 4-5 lap. novio overlapped at the end of my 4th.

after-run ice-cream lime and vanilla popsicle! alternative treat: apple crisps. mmhmm.

cool down and sweat off in room with novio. went to refill water bottles.

shower and back to essay planning. till 2.20am.

2.30am: blogging this. done!

3. a book you love

2011-10-31T00:44:00.003+08:00

well, the one that comes to my mind at the moment is Atonement. basically it centralises around three main characters: briony, her older sister, cecilia, and a guy who's obsessed with cecilia, robbie. from their different perspectives, you really see how each person's point of view is very subjective. the 2d plot is that briony seeks forgiveness after she commits a terrible mistake. but i believe that a lot of it is self-reflexive and about how writing can be skewed from the truth so as to arouse the sentiments of readers. mcewan's narrative style moves very smoothly. so it's a really vivid and poetic read.

2. something you feel strong about

2011-10-29T16:24:00.003+08:00

i'll never be good enough, will i? no matter how hard i try to be a good student, i'll always be shot down for something that you just find inadequate. too many sources, too few sources, too complex ideas, too simple ideas. repetition, not enough reference back to the thesis statement. too many paragraphs, too few paragraphs. there is never a balance between right and wrong. everything is just wrong.

i'll never be a good enough poet, will i? this isn't singaporean. this isn't relevant to today's context. this isn't today's material. i don't understand. there are always "better" poets. but what is "better"? people who fit the mould of "singaporean poet"? so i must write about "politically correct" ideas, i must write about "singaporean routines" or make some mention of landmarks. did all great poets make references to real life situations? did blake find inspiration in the world of reality? you will never find singapore history if you never come to terms that youth poets will not and must not always write in a model form of what you believe is the "singaporean poem".

so ... i'll never be good enough at anything? i try to be a good artist, my teachers and friends may praise me, but there will always be better. you try to succeed in anything. no. there will always be someone better! you are just a big fish in a small pond, but when thrown in the ocean, you will drown. surely you will. and it will be ridiculous. but what if i'm not a fish? what if i don't want to be a fish, or a whale, or dolphin, or a shark? what if i want to be a bird. then surely it is stupid to put me in a pond or an ocean and watch me drown and expect me to swim beautifully, when in truth i am supposed to be in the sky, where i can watch all the fishes swim below me, be an individual onto myself and fly.

so what if i'm not good enough for your expectations? what if i'm not good enough to be a fish? i'm not a good enough student or a good enough poet for YOU, for society perhaps. but someday i hope someone will look back ... a researcher, a historian, an archive collector and realise that all that time, when society back then (today) was considering me a stupid fish. i was really a bird, a swallow, someone reaching for the moon while everyone was confined to the seas.

1. five ways to win my heart

2011-10-28T00:52:00.007+08:00

first thing i think of: ice cream. mcdonald soft serve vanilla cone (only fifty cents), udders orange chocolate ice-cream, baskin robbins' cotton candy, scoop's irish cream, dreyer's chocolate cake ice-cream, ben and jerry's phish food, solero lime, paddle pop rainbow, bubblegum ice-cream. i'm not adventurous in a lot of things, but ice-cream is another story.

i would say the cliché, music. specifically, anything by Yiruma, the Beatles, Elton John that is set to piano. but also acoustic guitar, violins. this extends to musicals, especially Spring Awakening, Wicked etc. and, also, since my fifteen-year-old self is screaming at me, sideline pop-rock, pop-punk.

conversations. i think that is self-explicit.

modesty, honesty, politeness (but not the constrained variety, the natural one). in other words, a good moral core. you do not necessary need to be Christian or to be strongly religious to have a good centre to yourself. a conscience, that's all. an awareness that what you say may injure someone. i take this really seriously. an understanding of humanity.

and simple: love. honest, unconditional love is difficult to ignore and always appreciated.

trying to keep my blog alive

2011-10-24T20:40:00.000+08:00

wanted: motivation

2011-10-06T11:06:00.001+08:00

'cause i don't want to live in reality no more

2011-10-06T00:06:00.003+08:00

"she's called a whispering well," said sally. the boy signed back to her, "what is a whispering well?" "every day, of every hour, i see people come to her and bend very low, as if they wanted to drown in her, and then i would see them talk to her in whispers." "what do they whisper about?" "well, they whisper to her their secrets! sometimes, i even see them giving her money too! small button coins, oh, about this big ..." she made a tiny 'o' with her hands. "why do they give her money?" he asked. sally gazed down at the dark depths of the well. "she must be very poor," sally concluded. the boy asked with his hands, "why?" this question baffled sally. she folded her forehead like paper origami, sending her thoughts into the air. "i suppose ... she doesn't have time for work. she spends all her time listening to people's secrets." the boy stared at sally and then back at the bottom of the well where he believed he caughgt a silvery glimpse of the old lady's hair. "why does she choose to listen to people's secrets?" sally was very proud of her answer, "because, she loves everyone and hates to let them down!" both sally and the boy stared for a very long time into the well's darkness. they both imagined the little old lady sitting there contently, smiling back up at them.

one day, the boy returned to the well. but he was not a boy anymore. time had aged him. time had filled the bottom of his eyes with sand. death had greedily eaten up the soft round peaches that were his cheeks. his heart had rusted over with bitterness and hatred of his own kind. but still, he stood there, remembering. slowly, hesitant at first, but then deliberately, he bent down low and spoke, as only he knew how, to the woman who lived at the bottom of the well. in his whispers he told the woman, "dearest whispering well. when i was seven, i came to you with a girl. i was just a boy then. but now, i am a boy no more. the years have taught me not to hold my faith on frivolous things. so here i am, counting my blessings on you. and here is my secret ..." and there, he dropped a dozen coins down the well. and there, he heard the woman's tinkling laugh. and there, he believed again.

my usual cravings

2011-10-04T18:59:00.004+08:00

i really have nothing to blog recently. but i realise i've been filling up another particular website i usually go to with dozens of photos of girls' typical cravings during those special times of the month. so i'd just like to make your mouth water here! this is a personal disclaimer not to look at anytime in the wee hours of the morning before you head to bed.

1. french fries!

2. ice-cream!

3. popcorn!

politically incorrect majorities

2011-09-13T13:06:00.002+08:00

reading thoreau's resistance to civil government and came upon an interesting passage:

"All voting is a sort of gaming, like chequers or backgammon, with a slight moral tinge to it, a playing with right and wrong, with moral questions; and betting naturally accompanies it. THe character of the voters is not staked. I cast my vote, perchance, as I think right; but I am not vitally concerned that that right should prevail. I am willing to leave it to the majority. Its obligation, therefore, never exceeds that of expediency. Even voting for the right is doing nothing for it. It is only expressing to men feebly your desire that it should prevail. A wise man will not leave the right to the mercy of chance, nor wish it to prevail through the power of the majority. There is but little virtue in the action of masses of men."

i though this was apt, considering the passing of the Singapore Presidential Election and my own hall's elections. the paradoxical truth, in sum? the majority vote is never the majority view.

armand's love for marguerite

2011-09-09T00:03:00.004+08:00

"Nothing creates a more fitting backdrop to the woman you love than the blue sky, the fragrances, the flowers, the breezes, the solitary splendour of fields and woods. However much you love a woman, however much you trust her, however sure of the future her past life makes you, you are always jealous to some degree. If you have ever been in love, really in love, you must have experienced this need to shut out the world and isolate the person through whom you wished to live your whole life. It is though the woman you love, however indifferent she may be to her surroundings, loses something of her savour and consistency when she comes into contact with men and things. Now I experienced this more intensely than any other man. Mine was no ordinary love; I was as much in love as mortal creature can be. But I loved Marguerite Gautier, which is to say that in Paris, at every turn, I might stumble across some man who had already been her lover, or would be the next day. Whereas, in the country, surrounded by people we had never seen before who paid no attention to us, surrounded by nature in all her springtime finery, which is her annual gesture of forgiveness, and far from the bustle of the city, I could shelter my love from prying eyes, and love without shame or fear." - Armand, La Dame aux Camélias (Alexandre Dumas fils, trans. David Coward, 1986)

sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

2011-09-02T23:22:00.006+08:00

Toby: Spencer, you’re scaring me. You said it was important, but you’re not talking.

minor spoiler alert. i've had this love/hate relationship with the tv show Pretty Little Liars from the end of season one to now. firstly, it has given me weird chills that i haven't gotten from any other show. it's the typical whodunnit formula with a twist. during the entire series, i have always felt an affinity towards Emily's character, she's the one you can so easily sympathise with, the "soft one". but this finale episode had me channeling Spencer, the very guarded, stubborn, academic-driven one. her forced break-up with Toby - the look on her face was all too familiar to me (these days). and the look on Toby's eyes - enough said.

to say the least, it was heart-wrenching.

the disillusionment of cloudless skies

2011-08-19T14:10:00.003+08:00

my professor was going over John Constable's paintings in my "literature and the arts" course and talked about Constable's cloud studies. i googled these paintings and found they had a very serene and calming quality about them. Constable was well known for taking clouds not only at an artistic point of view, but also a very scientific one. his paintings realistically depicted clouds on a typical English day.

i'd never paid much attention to clouds as a study of interest in paintings. i had always been fascinated with eyes. but there is something about clouds that are almost like the human pupil in the sense that there is both paradoxically nothing and everything fascinating about them. one person may see very little in one while someone else may see the whole world in it. furthermore, they both can spout a number of descriptive, lyrical qualities about them that allegorically and metaphorically reflect the inner psychological depths of an individual.

so maybe next time we should not ask for cloudless-sky-days. but a stratosphere that is smeared by dozens of cumulus clouds in an array of shapes and sizes, the towering pillars, the "castles in the skies", sculpting out our visions beyond the realms of our imagination, concretizing them before our eyes in reality.

i never died, it was not me ...

2011-08-16T11:00:00.003+08:00

i realise it's been exactly a month since i've posted anything on this blog .. and i really can't think of anything i'd like to post as of now. so i guess i'll just recycle a musing from my notes:

"i guess the reason why people lose so much of themselves on their last days on their deathbed is so that in the end, they can satisfyingly say that it was not them who died. 'cause the person on that deathbed is not them. well, not truly. they may be their most honest and frankest selves - but never as physically and mentally empowered to justify their sorrowful words into actions.

maybe .. the way that God makes us start anew is by proving to us that we never truly die, that we are much bigger than our corporeal selves, that the physical world cannot define us as His children. in the end, we are so much more than our looks and sanity can ever define us. and as we leave this world, it is not us who leave our ruins on that hospital bed. we, instead, are off, far away, in a journey that is much bigger than life itself."

you can always depend on the kindness of strangers

2011-07-16T18:53:00.004+08:00

this morning i went to work, and about half way through my journey, i knew that today wasn't going to be awesome. i felt the onset of some really bad cramps. so i took a panadol on the way to work .. sadly it wasn't going to be of any help later in this anecdote. well, it was obvious when i reached work that i couldn't function. my sight was already starting to blot with white and black spots and my stomach felt like a hammer was trying to grind its way through it. the thing about blunt objects, thanks to the dozen of Tamora Pierce books i've read, is that they're not effective in killing the victim immediately, but it is very effective at making them hurt for a very long period of time - let's call it a slow and agonizing death. (but now i think i'm being melodramatic).

well, five minutes in and i told my boss that i had to leave, and probably from the paleness of my face, the sweat beads on my temples and my unsuppressable hunch-back, she understood and let me leave.

i've gone through this before. my first instinct is to flag a taxi, collapse in the back seat and let the driver (regardless of whether he was mildly amused or confused or horrified) send me back to my loving bed at home where i could groan and fall asleep in my agony. (again .. a tad melodramatic?) but this time, there was no taxi. so i attempted to at least "seek shelter" at the nearby bus stop. by that time i really couldn't flag a taxi, or let alone speak. i felt a bit immobile. so i sought help from a woman to flag one for me .. i felt shamefully dependent, but from the sympathetic look she gave me, i was glad that she understood my case. i felt so grateful and entirely sheepish as she tried her best to flag a taxi. i, on the other hand, could not suppress my urge to throw up (for lack of a better euphemism). i did it at the back of the bus stop and cleaned up after myself. meanwhile, the woman was still unable to get a taxi and her bus had come. she said that she was so sorry, but she had to leave. i thanked her and changed to the lower bus seat and press my forearms to my stomach. i did my best to flag a taxi. but they were damn impossible!

next thing i knew, the man who had been sitting on the other side of me, and who had left when i threw up (i thought it was 'cause he was so disgusted, and i wouldn't blame him if that was the reason) returned with a plastic bag, and to my astonishment, tried to help me flag down a taxi. he spent almost fifteen minutes, with me pathetically hunched and doing my best to keep sane. after a while of failed attempts, he suggested that i go to a clinic instead. at that point in time, i was willing to accept any cure (okay, maybe not any) so i agreed.

he nicely led me to a clinic and even went to the receptionist to help me get a number. i threw up again at the clinic. we had to wait about fifteen minutes (excuse my estimations of time, i really lost grip of it when i was trying to keep conscious) before i was let into the doctor's room. what amazes me is that he sat next to me the entire time and waited quietly. even after i went out of the doctor's room, he was still there. after i was done getting my medicine, which i could see he was even going to pay for if i didn't have the money, he still helped me flag a taxi at the bus stop (finally one came) and the best i could do was just thank him again and again. i really didn't know what else to say. but today really solidified my faith that, in times of need, there are guardian angels out there who will go the long mile to help a person out and truly want nothing in return.

thank you, stranger. again, and again, and again.

the side of happiness a girl rarely gets to see

2011-07-01T23:16:00.005+08:00

i was at work today typing out the secondary comprehensions for my boss when she got a phone call in the middle of her talking with her IT assistant. and, like all wandering ears during a boring comprehension passage about business ethics and all that sort of rubbish, i listened, from her end of the conversation, to what it was all about.

the conversation roughly went like this:

"hello! i heard you have some good news for me ... haha, yes, well you have my full blessings and i hope that everything goes well! yes, yes, uncle gives his blessings too! so how do you expect to propose? are you going to say 'i hope we get to walk down the aisle together?' i hope it is an aisle. and a church! a church wedding would be nice! haha. yes, well i'll leave it up to you. yes, you have my full blessings! i - i hope she says yes! haha. well, i believe she will say yes! i have been praying for all of you. every night i got to sleep i say your names. yes! well, all the best of luck! i hope to hear the wedding bells soon! hahaha. yes, yes, well, are you coming to singapore soon? you're coming in christmas, is it? okay, well we can't wait to see you! i wish you all the best. yes, call me again after she says yes. let's hope she says yes!"

apparently, my boss's potential future son-in-law was getting her approval to propose to her daughter. and i just sat there, listening to the happiness in her voice and (although i was facing my computer screen, pretending to mind my own business, but obviously not doing so) i imagined the huge smile plastered on her face.

it's not every day you get to hear a boy asking permission from his potential future mother-in-law right in front of you. and after all the Hollywood manufactured evil mother-in-law movies, it was something new and refreshing to hear the heartful and genuine love and enthusiasm that my boss had towards the possibility that her daughter would soon be married.

life is not a movie scene, part 2

2011-06-28T21:47:00.003+08:00

b. the "you first!" game

okay, i don't know whether it should be called a game, but it sometimes feels that way, and i'm sure a number of people have played it, whether they know it or not. between a boy and a girl who are not in a relationship but are on the verge of being one, it's the game of "i am tired of initiating the conversation, i don't know whether you like me or not the way i like you".

i'm now going to take it to first-person-collective-POV: sometimes us girls just get tired of being the one to come up with the question of the day to start talking to you, and if you're not going to make the move first, we don't know whether you're legitimately interested or just being nice. and also, sometimes we wonder whether we're just annoying you. guys, on the other hand, probably don't even know this and may have never heard of this game.

why this game arises in our over-thinking little minds? 'cause, just like the silent treatment, we have seen guys be the one to always initiate a talk in the movies or in television shows. they'll be spontaneous and say good morning, and, like in rom-com flicks, we'll always see the lovey-dovey couple text to each other incessantly. frankly, real-life guys won't do that. the fact of the matter is, if they like you, they'll talk to you.

life is not a movie scene, part 1

2011-06-28T12:08:00.002+08:00

i'm always disgusted by my own kind. and, before i go on, there is a disclaimer. yes, i completely admit that this blog post is always going to be hypocritical, since it is in my own nature to play the exact same "games" as i will elaborate further on. but i have to say and point out and identify these silly things that girls do. and, in my own defence, i try my best to be wary of them and (although my own emotions get carried away from time to time) try my best to avoid falling into these cliched motions that always make the other species (and often times our own species too) aggravated to the bone.

now this is going to probably be very long, so i put this as part one of a series of observations on how us females have the tendency to fall into societal stereotypical behaviour. i'm doing this 'cause i often see other social networks have girls exhibit behaviour and quotes that expect a guy to be at their beck-and-call. i can only shake my head in disgust.

a. the silent treatment

underneath this category is actually a whole string of sub-categories that girls like to argue are apart from it and boys would argue (persistently) that no matter how we label it, is the exact same thing.

guaranteed, no guy can ever be perfect. girls hold guys against a very tough candle of perfect images which are patronised by the entertainment industry: the perfect celebrity couple, the perfect television show couple, the perfect movie couple. the veneer held up against romance is a thick miasma that would probably take more time than it would for NASA to find the surface of Saturn beneath its gaseous layers of clouds. therefore, when it comes to real-life talking and breathing guys, we are no different. one mistake often triggers, not a conversation where we nicely and calmly discuss our issues, but vengeful silence.

now, girls also do this to other girls, which often lead to more chaos and drama than when it is between a girl and a boy.

the best solution to this problem? i'm not really an expert, but my take on it would be to let the person simmer down, there's not much you can do otherwise within a few hours or a day or two of it. every now and then reassure that person that if they're ready to talk about what you have done to wrong them, you are ready. sometimes it takes a level-head and blind apologies to make that person see that you are not there to argue and 'cause a stir and instead are willing to repair, heal and move on.

what do the movies and television shows otherwise perpetuate and girls unrealistically expect from these silence treatments? well, the unrealistic, when all said is done. they expect excessant phone calls, they expect you to come knocking on their door, begging to talk to them with roses and chocolates and a letter of apology, something over-the-top to show them that you actually care, breaking down of walls... (i'm actually laughing in my head as i picture these scenarios) what i can say to you girls is please grow-up. even if the guy is so head-over-heels in love with you, do not expect them to do something as insane as that. this is not a fairytale where a broken wall or door can magically fix itself after the break-in and you will have a huge smile plastered on your face. if anything, it'll definitely make you even more pissed.

wow, that was long for just one cliched behaviour of girls. part two it must be ...

someone ...

2011-06-06T02:00:00.001+08:00

know that at least for one of them, that someone is me. <3

child-like not childish happiness

2011-06-05T14:45:00.002+08:00

i bet when you were little you had very simple dreams, very simple aspirations. the ones that weren't tainted by money, friends or family. the ones that came from a very simple source of happiness. like, you wanted to go to the zoo, you wanted an ice-cream, you wanted to go swimming. simple wants. simple happiness. no complications. agreed, sometimes they were slightly ridiculous versions of happiness. like you wanted a unicorn, you wanted to travel to space, you wanted to be a superhero, you wanted to be a princess. but they were wonderful dreams either way!

even when it comes to careers, i'm sure it was much simpler then. when i was six i wanted to write and draw, that's all. when i was eight i wanted to be a zookeeper of the penguin enclosure. it wasn't about the money you make at the end of the day. why would i want money? i wanted to enjoy myself. i wanted to use as many crayons as possible and create dream worlds for me and my friends. i wanted to splash around with cute little critters.

what happens along the way? our dreams are realigned by money, by family and by friends. they were realigned by the words "no you can't", "no you shouldn't" and "no you musn't". "no". that word can put the brakes on a child's dream, and, maybe somewhere deep within, a child's happiness.

go back and think about what you wanted to do when you were a child and when that word "no" came up. was it because they say you aren't smart enough? you aren't pretty enough? you aren't rich enough? or that you are smarter than that? or you're prettier than that? or you're richer than that? why not find a way, maybe just for a day, to make that "no" into a "yes"? to find that little bit of loss happiness when you were a child? maybe, on your deathbed, you'll thank yourself for giving that child-like you that little bit of happiness that he or she deserved.

what does not kill you only makes you stronger

2011-05-25T01:26:00.003+08:00

i guess we have to learn to dance in the rain ...

right now my chest feels heavy, my legs are sore and my eyes are doing anything not to close. my heart feels like its both about to break and heal .. i guess it's the transition stage of the old maxim "what does not kill you only makes you stronger." and i'd like to believe the same thing about us. what does not break us only makes us stronger.

i'm such an idiot sometimes. i'm sorry; i'm built as a human with way too many weaknesses than one human being should have. i'm ADD, i'm bipolar (not legitimately apparently), i'm a perfectionist, i'm insecure, and sometimes i take it too far. i'm used to hurting people and expecting them to leave.

but you're not going to leave .. i get that. i just find it really hard to believe, like this fairytale story where you expect some sort of realism where the prince may disappear halfway through the plot - caught cheating or lying or just fed-up - but i guess my fairytale story is just that: a fairytale story. or, more like it has the fairytale prince .. but i'm just there to pick at everything that is not a fairytale and throw the entire stage and its props out the imaginary cardboard window. i don't think i can ever be a fairytale princess, really.

i've spent my entire life reading books where i chose not to be the fairytale princess. i don't want to be a cinderella or a snow white .. that's just disgusting. i don't like dresses and i don't like housework and i'm not an amazing soprano singer that little blue birds will come twittering near me and help me make a beautiful dress for the ball. in those stories, i'm probably in the village reading a book and clapping the princess on and not wanting to be her in the future but instead wishing to be the girl who wrote the story about her .. and maybe dig up some more of the inner turmoil that takes the princess to the place she is today. i'm not a fairytale princess. i'm just a reader, a writer, a dreamer .. rarely a believer.

and life, to me, is never as simple as a fairytale. i choose the schizophrenic half-dream psycho novel over the fairytale happily-ever-after any day. beauty is never without its ugly. love is never without its heartbreak. i guess, as a literature student, there is no linear narration of cause-and-effect that is ever as delightful as an abstract, broken narrative that is layered in circles and meta-narratives, thesis and anti-thesis. and, i guess i have to thank you for accepting me that way.

there are so many opposites between us that sometimes i wonder how we can even cope without pulling out each other's hairs just to make ourselves understand why we're still here and why we're still fighting as well. sometimes, it's just overwhelming for me to even imagine, that while we fight against each other, it's all 'cause we are fighting for each other.

i guess, in the end, the best and most optimistic way of looking at these heartwrenching arguments is that, at the end of the day, we're just getting closer and closer to "forever", and "forever" in the most realistic and beautiful sense of the word (and not the disney corporation, manufactured in rainbows and cotton candy sense). you know, like when we conquered the entire children section of the bookstore today, star wars, curious george, maisy, clifford and all. that kind of "forever".

an intermission

2011-05-21T16:18:00.003+08:00

so far, for the past few days, i've just been having an (almost) awesome movie marathon that started with the big bang theory (i know that's not a movie), moved on to beastly, then it's kind of a funny story, then i think the next one was tangled, and then sisterhood of the traveling pants 2, then the good guy, then the bucket list ... which brings me over to letters to juliet.

it's honestly been a long journey. i've moved (film-wise) from new york to an asylum, to fairytale land to greece, back to new york, to france, the himalayas and now i'm in italy.

watching letters to juliet, it's made me wonder though, what it's like to have a grandmother, or any grandparents really. my grandparents have passed away long before i even got to know them well, or even have an image in my mind of what they look like, apart from the photographs that hand on the walls. i really can't put a voice or an action to any of their faces. i wonder if they have stories to tell. i wonder what the stories were about.

i think that people don't realise what they have until it's gone. people have grandparents, parents, family and friends .. but they don't stand there and appreciate them. instead, they complain about not having enough of something. not having enough good grades, not having enough time for themselves, not having a prince charming to love them. they don't see that they are in university now because of their parents' money, and should appreciate the fact that they are there at all rather than to waste their time in university looking for drama, rumours, and chasing after pointless guys. they're in university to study and get good grades. they don't realise that the time they have now should be spent on something amazing, on adventures and explorations, even if it's just a part-time job, 'cause spending time lazing at home is not something a person of their age should be doing with all that energy. they don't realise that it takes time and patience for a good man to step into their lives. and for now, they should love the people who currently love them then go search for love in desolate places.

right now, it's about appreciating what you have rather than what you don't. and if you don't like the things you don't have, then you should work towards getting it.

alright, on with the movie ...

milestones

2011-05-19T23:33:00.002+08:00

life gives you a bunch of nonsensical milestones: birthdays, education, jobs, exams ... everyone has these milestones ... but a few years down the road, they mean nothing. and aren't milestones meant to mean something? if anything, i mark my life according to the number of ordeals i've had and the number of happiness i've had. sadly the former outnumber by thousands to the latter. but at least they mean something more than a birthday, an exam, a graduation. it's about feeling things unique to yourself.

happiness can wait

2011-05-19T20:27:00.003+08:00

last summer, i made a list .. one of all the awesome things i could do, to escape the humdrum of ordinary life. this summer, there will be no list. 'cause i don't expect any miracle trips to places i've never been too, or experiencing life somewhere new or amazing. i don't expect life to surprise me with something beautiful, and i don't expect to smile in awe, or something to take my breath away. i don't expect to escape reality. i don't expect to be given a chance to breathe, to smile, to laugh. i've pinned my hopes on going places so many times now that's it's not funny anymore, it's just disappointing. i don't want to make expectations.

'cause i know that this summer i'm going to be working to pay off loans. i know the other half of the time .. i'm just never going to expect a miracle. 'cause for one, i don't deserve it. for another, i can't afford it anymore. i'm saving all my happiness now, for happiness later.

the film soundscape

2011-05-08T18:10:00.002+08:00

thanks to my film theory class, i've had a new affinity towards movie soundtracks, especially as background music as i study. here's a short compilation of the ones i've grown fond of:

"Gift of a Thistle" - James Horner (Braveheart)

"Rose" - James Horner (Titanic)

"Sandra's Theme" - Danny Elfman (Big Fish)

"Finding Neverland" - Jan A.P. Kaczmarek (Finding Neverland)

"Briony" - Dario Marianelli (Atonement)

"Forbidden Friendship" - John Powell (How to Train Your Dragon)

"Only the Beginning of the Adventure" - Harry Gregson- Williams (Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe)

"Requiem for a Dream" - Clint Mansell (Requiem for a Dream)

alternately, there's a whole list of amazing musical scores for movies nominated for academy awards over the years which you can look at here.

Skinny Love (cover) by Birdy

2011-05-07T13:19:00.002+08:00

Gosh, it's so beautiful!

glee moment

2011-05-05T00:36:00.003+08:00

rachel: i never understood why you got back with her, if you can't even trust her.
fynn: i .. don't know
rachel: i do. 'cause you forgive your first love anything.

photographs are memories

2011-05-04T02:51:00.002+08:00

4/29/2011 3:55:47 AM
people take photos for a number of reasons (if you want me to be argumentative about it)

1. they are comfortable with the ppl they are taking the photos with
it shows that there is that level of security in the way they feel about being seen with that person, which shows how much confidence they have in their relationship

2. photos are memories that can be kept
keeping a lot of photos means that when you look at the past, you have things to look upon to prove that you were happy, to act as milestones on your life and, if anyone ever forgets, it is reminders of how happy you were

3. photos are, in themselves, a form of self-expression
and expression not always in the public way, 'cause photos were never made for fb but for keepsakes. the people who look at those photos are seeing how you want to be seen.

4. photos are "presents"
for scrapbooks. some people dedicate hours to make a scrapbook of all the memories they had with people. it's not 'cause it's "pretty" but 'cause it stands as a souvenir from the past.

5. and yes, superficial reasons
'cause frankly, all humans (although you may try to exclude yourself from the pic) are narcissistic. they have an image to present to the world. and that image is done through a photo.

this is so true

2011-05-02T23:15:00.001+08:00

fairytales and princesses

2011-04-30T19:47:00.004+08:00

the closest thing in the 21st century to happily-ever-after ...

a simple dreamer, studying in university. oldest out of her three siblings. she graduated with second class honors from the university of st. andrews with a bachelor in history of art. there, among the dusty books and banal normalities, she met the prince of her dreams - a real prince. who'd ever thought it was possible?

about five years later, although the road was not always smooth sailings, prince william proposed to her on a trip to kenya on october 2010. and yesterday, the 29th of april, they were finally married. in a dress of beautifully emroidered ivory lace by Sarah Burton of Alexander McQueen she was the absolute vision of a princess, a simple village girl representing every other girl's dream.

but, i believe, that it wasn't just the superficial beauty, materialism and pagentry of the day that touched every girl's heart, it was the elements of a true, emotionally-riveting story.

it was of a son making his mother proud from heaven, laying aside an empty seat for princess diana, kate placing her bouquet on his mother's grave rather than throwing it up in the air, royal family members who were present during diana's funeral returning to west minister abbey for her son's wedding e.g. elton john. it was about the marriage of past and present; a mirror of prince charles and diana's wedding almost thirty years ago.

at the heart of it, it is about love. the love of a son for a mother, a woman for a man, the world for a story in history.

it's not too late

2011-04-29T13:02:00.002+08:00

i don't know what to write anymore ...

feeling lazy

2011-04-27T14:50:00.002+08:00

but sadly my essays beckon me ...

ellipsis, for lack of a better title

2011-04-27T00:36:00.004+08:00

"I kissed her and saw that her eyes were shut. I kissed both her shut eyes. I thought she was probably a little crazy. It was all right if she was."
- Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms

who are you?

2011-04-19T00:41:00.002+08:00

when you define yourself ...

do you define yourself according to the boundaries set by society? you're a girl (that means you're the lesser sex in a still very much patriarchal viewed society, despite the many attempts of liberation of women), you're a student (which means that you are viewed as not qualified enough to be out their in the working world, although you're probably old enough and smart enough to work in the past), you're asian (which means that you're probably really conservative and probably quite smart and family-oriented), you're christian (which means that you have a strong set of values and beliefs, that you go to church, that you pray and you're probably innocent-minded). you'll find that if you define yourself according to the categories of society, a number of connotations can be made without anyone knowing the real you, the you as a human being. and sometimes, it's sad to realise that these are the boundaries that set your own image of yourself in your mind, your identity. the truth is that putting yourself in a category instantly creates a generic intepretation of yourself by everyone, not just other people, but also yourself. you put yourself in a box with the rest of the people labelled with the same category as you.

truth is, you are not a label or identity. you cannot be defined in a few words, or in any words at all. words themselves are labels. they are taxonomic, they are signifiers of objects which men created sounds for. you are not a sound made by other people. you're made up of feelings, emotions and experiences no one can describe. no one can describe the time you went to school, or the childhood that you experienced. no one can tell you how you are feeling now in one word; emotions are smears of colours, noise, smells, sounds, feelings, tastes ... the entire heteroglossia of senses.

so, maybe next time someone asks "who are you?" you won't give an answer automated by society. maybe you'll stop and actually think about it.

interesting link: cnn "who are you really?"

let me struggle with you

2011-04-15T20:13:00.000+08:00

you're perfect for me

2011-04-14T23:37:00.001+08:00

let me tell you a bedtime story

2011-04-13T23:44:00.002+08:00

once upon a time ...

there was this beautiful seashore, where the waves lapped against the sand and rocks, and a few dozen tidal pools dimpled the banks. and one day, a girl, native to this place, decided to spend a day at the beach. she first decided to collect some of the thousands of pebbles and rocks that scattered themselves along the shore. some were as small as the nail on her pinky and some were as large as boulders the height of her knee. it took her the whole morning and then she wondered what else she should do.

looking at the tidal pools, she decided to drop a single pebble into each one. she chose the tidal pools closest to the mainland, those safer to reach. she noticed that these tidal pools were fairly small in size and shallow. she could easily see down to the sandy bottoms of them. she decided to be fair. she would drop the smallest pebble into the smallest pool and the biggest into the biggest pool. as she did this, she noticed that the pebbles created ripples on the surface of the pool. even more amazingly, she discovered that despite the small pool having a smaller pebble dropped in it, it still created the same ratio of ripples as the big pool, e.g. the ripples of the small pool only reached half the radius of the small pool, likewise the ripples in the big pool did the same. she noted this down to memory.

after a while, she grew tired of the shallow pools and decided to be more adventurous, venturing towards the tidal pools closer to the wide ocean expanse. she gazed down at them and noticed that they were larger and that they were much deeper than those that were close by. as she looked down into them, she noticed that the bottoms were very difficult to make out. she decided to perform the same experiment to these pools, using the much bigger stones that she had collected. when she finally released the biggest boulder into the biggest pool she found, she noticed that the ripples that this pool created were significantly less than that of the smaller pools next to the shore and she wondered why. it took her a long time, pondering this over, and finally she came to the conclusion that the depth of the pool must have been a huge factor to how little splash was produced.

as she gazed down from her standing position, she could only see her own reflection in the surface of the pool. she was curious to know what effect the boulder-sized stone had on the ocean floor, so she lowered her head closer to the surface of the pool, till the tip of her nose touched it. her eyes widened in astonishment when she realised that there was life underneath the surface, that there was an entire intricate ecosystem below. she was even more astonished and horrified to realise that her boulder-sized stone had destroyed part of the seabed, leaving a gaping barren landscape around it. taken aback, she stood up once more. from the height she was at now, she could not see any of the damage she had caused. the calm surface betrayed what was held below. she gulped and noted this too down to memory.

years passed and the girl grew away from the tidal pools and seashore where she spent her childhood. she was sent to school in the city where she made friends. she was simply-pleased and very shy. she made no attempts to introduce herself. instead decided to let those who took an interest in her to just come up to her and say 'hi'. she developed friendships in this manner. soon, she realised that these friends were easily temperamental. the smallest issues caused great frustration. she learnt that, essentially, these friends were like her childhood tidal pools closest to the mainland.

more time passed by, and soon the girl grew more mature. she decided to be more adventurous. she made friends with those who were harder to approach and understand. with these friends, she learn that the small issues did not create the same amount of frustration. it took really big issues to scratch their hard outer shells. but, she also learnt that beneath these hard shields, there was life; there was an intricate human being at work. beautiful beyond belief, she empathised with them. these friends, she learnt, were like the deep and wide tidal pools closer to the ocean. the ones that people often forget to approach. the ones that people forget they hurt deep down within. but the ones who also smile back at you (your smile) and take your burdens with the least amount of protest.

the end.

you're a constant, not a variable

2011-04-10T14:15:00.004+08:00

it such a tiring thing ...

to keep on caring when all you want to do is to drop it and run far far away, light years away, where everything is, not necessarily better, but different. but, while caring is very very tiring, sometimes that's the only thing you're left with to do.

Wouldn't Change A Thing

It's like he doesn't hear a word I say,
His mind is somewhere far away,
And I don't know how to get there,
It's like,
(She's way too serious)
All he wants is to chill out,
(She's always in a rush)
He makes me wanna pull all my hair out,
(And interrupting)
Like he doesn't even care,
(Like she doesn't even care)

You,
me
We're face to face
But we don't see eye to eye
Like fire and rain
(Like fire and rain)
You can drive me insane
(You can drive me insane)

But I can't stay mad at you for anything
We're Venus and Mars
(We're Venus and Mars)
We're like different stars
(Like different stars)
But you're the harmony to every song I sing
And I wouldn't change a thing

She's always trying to save the day
Just wanna let my music play
She's all or nothing
But my feelings never change
(Why, do you try to read my mind?)
I try to read her mind
(It's not good to psychoanalyze)
She tries to pick a fight
To get attention
That's what all of my friends say
(That's what all of my friends say)

You,
Me
We're face to face
But we don't see eye to eye
Like fire and rain
(Like fire and rain)
You can drive me insane
(You can drive me insane)

But I can't stay mad at you for anything
We're Venus and Mars
(We're Venus and Mars)
We're like different stars
(Like different stars)
But you're the harmony to every song I sing
And I wouldn't change a thing

When I'm yes, she's no
When I hold on, he just lets go

We're perfectly imperfect
But I wouldn't change a thing, no
We're like fire and rain
(Like fire and rain)
You can drive me insane
(You can drive me insane)

But I can't stay mad at you for anything
We're Venus and Mars
(We're Venus and Mars)
We're like different stars
(Like different stars)
But you're the harmony to every song I sing
And I wouldn't change a thing

But I can't stay mad at you for anything
We're Venus and Mars
(We're Venus and Mars)
We're like different stars
(Like different stars)
But you're the harmony to every song I sing
And I wouldn't change a
Wouldn't change a thing

here comes the sun

2011-04-04T12:45:00.004+08:00

while doing my readings for tuesday ...

i came across a beautiful verse from "the thresher's labour" by stephen duck that i'd like to share:

often we whet, as often view the sun,
to see how near his tedious race is run;
at length he vails his radiant face from sight,
and bids the weary traveler good-night

best friends or just good friends?

2011-04-04T03:05:00.002+08:00

do best friends exist?

definition:

best friend, one's favourite friend (of persons and transf. of things); also in colloq. phr. to be ‘best friends’ with (a person) (oed, 1989).

which led me to the definition:

favourite, a person or thing regarded with peculiar favour, one preferred above others (oed, 1989). (and i found it interesting that the etymology of 'favourite' comes from the old french favorit meaning favour.

another thing i'd like to mention is that when i browsed through the definition of friend there were various degrees of "friendship" listed, from someone you are just not hostile with, to someone as close as a lover. but those definitions aside (after getting my bearings), i'd like to give this question some much due thought from my own perspective.

when i was about eight or nine, i told my dad the name of my best friend. he was quite the downer and replied to me, "there is no such thing as best friends." and sadly, taking things as they were at a gullible age, i stuck to the maxim that he proclaimed. i can't really tell whether it was an advantage or disadvantage to be told this at such an early age. for one, i believe that it made me a whole lot more guarded and, in consequence, my heart was probably less broken. but at the same time, i guess i felt like i lost a lot of chances and that i might have hurt one of my good friends along the way.

i am not saying that those who believe in 'best friends' are naive, neither am i saying that people who don't believe in the term are skeptics and pessimists. in honest sense, i'd like to believe in the term with a grain of salt, an optimist with a side-view mirror of realism. i believe (like the definitions connote it) that we all have varying degrees of appreciation and fondness towards our friends. sometimes, and for reasons unexplainable to ourselves, we find that we "connect" better with some than others. and these friends we either term them as "good friends" or "best friends". to have one "best friend" in the world was the stuff we believed in when we were children and others still hold true to till today.

i cannot exactly state under what terms we finally qualify someone in our life as a best friend. maybe it has to do with a number of factors. the most common one, and the saddest which prove and disprove the term at the same time, is the proximities that foster an undeniable bond between you and said best friend. it's a paradox that lead people to believe and not believe that one can call someone their most favoured friend.

why so? well, you're close with someone physically, just like two protons that may not naturally attract, or the (small) gravitational forces that act one two objects, you naturally fuse together and become (as it appears to you at that time) inseparable. you instantly connect, and it's an amazing feeling, the inside jokes, the other friends and daily events you share - they all create a beautiful dome in which you both co-exist, learning together, laughing together. and after a while, you too become natural best friends (although you might not acknowledge it to each other). but this balance of friendship is fragile. and things change. life always changes. (as a person said earlier today, the only thing constant is change).

i suppose people who still believe in best friends are those who currently are in situation A above. they may have had best friends in the past, but now they are happy with their current best friend. maybe they're aware of this, and maybe they're not. best friends change. and the reason why they were friends is the very reason why they aren't friends anymore. no matter how hard you try to mediate the situation, best friends who separate into different lives are never truly best friends anymore. they are good friends, but their two separate lives remove the favouritism. they are forced to move into a new situation and it is natural to find new favourites. but it does not mean that the friend before is not one anymore. and since best friends are so mutable, so vulnerable to change, we sometimes discard the term altogether, for lack of a better way to define the term.

for me, the term 'best friend' has been such a throwaway phrase that i often discard it from my life. i think i've never had to really think of the term before 'cause i've been more of the kind to stand alone. you use the word 'best friend' when you're a kid, all the way up to high school. i think when you're twenty and wiser, you try to avoid the term at best. life changes far too often to become too attached to a fixed idea. the best you can do is be optimistic and believe that change is for the better. when i was nine, besides my dad's comment, i also had books as my advisors, and one of the books i had told me this:

"make new friends, but keep the old
one is silver, the other is gold."

oh, and wow i found that it is actually part of a song: click here.

judgment should only be passed by God, not you

2011-04-02T22:01:00.002+08:00

sometimes people are too cruel ...

(and before anyone reading this jumps to conclusions, this discussion isn't about me in particular) but i've seen it before. i've had friends who have been outcasted by other people just 'cause they don't fit with the status quo, just 'cause they aren't part of what society deems "the norm", but i don't think that us judging people will ever help them improve their characters for the better.

my most memorable, but maybe not my first, encounter of it was back in the seventh grade. there was this new girl, who ('cause of the general friendly demeanor that was propagated in my school back then) was welcomed with smiles and curiosity. but when the curiosity died down, my peers withdrew into their usual "cliques" (a word i particularly dislike, whoever came up with it must have been an egocentric a-hole). and, as time progressed, the little nitty-gritties of her personality started to bespeckle her image. people called her names, started to spread nasty rumours, gossip. i don't exclude myself into this generalised "people" category. frankly, when i was eleven and none-the-wiser, i judged her instantly and disliked her immediately. she hurt my friends and stole things from me when she thought my back was turned. maybe my biggest regret was to not understand her and to hold a false insincere mask in front of her. she called me her best friend (although i was not close to her at all), probably her only friend in this new country, and behind her back i laughed at her with my other friends. ten years later, and i am still ashamed.

another country, and i guess i deserved it when the roles were reversed. another country after that and the roles never really changed much.

i guess the only thing i could do at that time was to learn from how people treated others. that i myself make mistakes in judging people's characters. now, i know better, i try not to judge - which has me usually supporting the underdog of a situation, but i always do my best to see both sides of the issue. if a friend instantly hates another person, i realise that the right thing is not to instantly get on her side and insult the person too - i don't know the person. i won't insult someone i don't know, 'cause that person does not deserve to be judged by someone she/he doesn't know. (frankly, no person should be judged by anyone except by God.) the best i can do for a friend is to do my best to show the light of the other person's intentions and to show them that an eye for an eye does not create insight, it creates blindness.

first april; and i'm no fool

2011-04-02T01:26:00.003+08:00

i love days like this ...

that affirm that i am as clever as i want to be, so long as i put in the effort and dedication to what i'm doing. i had my film theory quiz this morning in which i did really well. then in the afternoon, i spent the entire two hours of break finishing part one and two of benjamin franklin's autobiography so that i could be well prepared for my second quiz. i think getting back my hl203 results really boosted my moral. (yay, A!) then in the afternoon all the questions michelle and i thought would come out did. so, we're really confident that we did well. then, after dinner, i had scrabble training in which i managed to prove to myself that i'm not as bad as i thought i was. now, i'm really hoping i can get back into hall and do well next year during IHRG.

i hope that today is enough of a confidence booster for me to study really really hard for my astronomy quiz next week! i also need to keep on top of things these next few weeks so that i can get all my essays in on time.

fall out boy nostalgia

2011-03-31T00:17:00.005+08:00

"this has been said so many times / that i'm not sure if it matters / but it must be said again / that all us boys are just screaming / into microphones for attention / because we're just so bored / we never knew that you would pick it apart, oh / i'm falling apart to songs about hips and hearts"

- Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying, Fall Out Boy

aww, i miss listening to them. sometimes going back to the same songs that made you when you were thirteen or fourteen reminds you of how lost you were, or how awesomely you rocked out, regardless of sweat, trodden toes and claustrophobia in the mosh pit of their shows.

"love never wanted me / but i took it anyway / put your ear to the speaker / and choose love or sympathy / but never both / love never wanted me"

- XO, Fall Out Boy

you're in the picture

2011-03-29T01:10:00.002+08:00

i can picture ...

me fighting with you; i can picture me lying on bed, crying and ignoring your phone calls; i can picture our stupid little misunderstandings; i can picture the sadness in your eyes as you try to apologise; i can picture me spluttering like an idiot trying to find the words to explain my dilemma; i can picture you trying to hug it better; i can picture me forgiving you; i can picture the cycle continuing all over again ...

but i can't picture me without you.

formed and informed opinions

2011-03-28T12:31:00.002+08:00

sometimes people assume that you're ignorant ...

that you don't know the assumptions they make of you, or the opinions that "everyone" has of you. but that is really not true. because i'm sure you know, or at least are aware, of the things going on around you. you were never born stupid. you were born to adapt and to mature, instead of insulting and criticising the opinions that people make of you, you choose to stick with the opinions you have of yourself. you choose to keep your mouth shut, to pretend not to notice and instead move on with your life.

that being said, i know that you don't want to spend much time with me anymore, that you have your own friends, that you would rather keep me along the sidelines. i respect that. 'cause i know i was born an individual and a self-thinker. sometimes a writer's livelihood revolves around his or her friendship with books and fictional characters and settings. it does not mean that we don't live in the real world, it just means that we choose to live in a world that paradoxically shines a light on something more real than life itself.

a remake of love language

2011-03-27T23:44:00.006+08:00

the original: watch here

i love it, partly 'cause the guy reminds me of someone i knew ... and whom i don't know anymore.

remember to pause my playlist at the sidebar below when you view it! :)

It's almost 3am!

2011-03-24T02:52:00.002+08:00

and i told myself that i was going to change my biological clock from my silly 3am to 3pm night cycle that i'd been having all recess week, so that i can be well prepared and awake for my 9.30am class on friday! no! how did this happen?

on a sidenote, i was entirely awake and alert during astro lecture toda - yesterday.

a long list of stuff to do tomorrow:

read my film theory chapters and study them for the quiz on friday
watch Zelig and Nashville for film theory class
do my readings for hl227 for friday
watch my e-lecture for hl203 by next tuesday
write a critical assessment for my two buddies for hz301
hand in my hall form tomorrow

since when did everything get so hectic, huhh?

spaces to breathe

2011-03-20T18:12:00.002+08:00

and so i turn away ...

from you. and look for words instead.

look for words that can paint a canvas

that echo a persona

that reaches out from a bird cage

in the middle of the puritan forest,

where the trees scratch out

the zenith star

in a dark blue sky.

for in the end

the words paint ink

across the surface

of the paper that stain

a book forever.

as for me, i float

into the atmosphere

where the halos dance

in the flourescent hellos and goodbyes.

a see-saw

2011-03-19T16:32:00.002+08:00

“I realized that the world did not exist for my benefit. It followed that the ratio of pleasant and unpleasant things around me would not change. It wasn’t up to me. It was clear that the best thing to do was to adopt a sort of muddled cheerfulness.” — Banana Yoshimoto, Kitchen

sometimes i wonder whether it is better for me to try and open my heart, or whether it was better to keep it guarded. 'cause back then, it hurt less. well, at least i cried less. i was less affected by the world around me. there was some sort of beautiful numbing effect. like anesthetics punctured through the vein. i gazed at the world through half-lids. part of it was real, the other half a dream. and sure, people called me names, but it was sort of in the distance, off-shore, you know. it was a sort of 'ignorance is bliss' state.

but now, in trying to reach out, to smile, to be kind, to live more, i find that i hurt more too. you may say that pain is part of the deal. that there are shades of blue and black among the gleaming whites and yellows. but how much blues and blacks can i honestly take anymore? my chest aches with the bruises of past events that i have enveloped in layers and layers of flesh. i've built shields, not impenetrable, but good enough, the second-hand store kind. but this tearing and healing keeps me running in one spot.

i look at the past few months that i've led and feel like i've really lived. but also, that i've also really ached, and for the stupidest of reasons too. there needs to be a balance of independence and dependency, detachment and attachment that i can only begin to grasp at the straws for. this dichotomy has me feeling like an idiot, someone running up and down both ends of the see-saw. yeah, i see ... i saw. now what?

monsters in my dreams

2011-03-12T23:49:00.002+08:00

back then, my dreams used to be a sweet escape from reality.

'cause in reality, all my insecurities manifested and i shyly tried to bear with all my inhibitions by keeping a tight lip and a quick smile. but now, it's scary, when my life seems to be going so well, and my dreams come back to bite me. that all my inhibitions take full flight at my weakest state and all i can do is sit back and watch as the people i love neglect me, spite against me and abandon me completely. and i know it's stupid to cry and to feel sad and horrible about things that aren't even real. but those days i used dreams as a safe haven and now they turn into monsters that glare back at me. and i feel like i'm being blackmailed, 'cause all these insecurities i can't spit out. so all i do at night is cry. and in the morning, i try to shake it off. and in the day time i smile. but sometimes that smile cracks when i think of having to go back to bed again and face those monsters with their mocking glances and truths about my past and possibilities of the future.

everything can change in a second

2011-03-12T15:52:00.005+08:00

everything can change in a second ...

that's what i'm reminded of when i spend my friday night on cnn watching footage of senai, one of japan's greenest cities, getting wiped out by a 8.8 earthquake, whirlpools and tsunamis stretching far into the coast stripping agricultural fields away in a heartbeat. and truth is, natural disasters are just the surface of a wild undercurrent of events that take place that change the earth in the shortest amount of time. natural disasters are the easiest to notice, the easiest tragedy to mourn over - 'cause we can't really be blamed for these events for happening, can we?

but how about the conflicts faced in sudan? how about the fact that people die everywhere in the world for reasons that can easily be counter-act?

here are a few google searches that you should take the effort to read about. it really shows you how everything in this earth is precious:

go around the world please!

2011-03-10T12:32:00.002+08:00

somedays all i just want to do is disappear ...

not from the people i love, that is, but from this routine that gets us from A to B in life. i want to find the C. sometimes, literally, the sea. sometimes being in a cosmopolitan, hot-spot island is nothing like living on an actual island. its all the high-rise buildings and vehicle smoke and bustling crowds and schedules that make me feel so claustrophobic. i need air.

but when will i ever get the chance to see it?

i want to go somewhere absolutely different. not some neighbouring island where the conditions are practically the same and everything looks familiar and the people look practically familiar, like "i've seen this foreigner in my country before so i'm just a foreigner visiting theirs", no.

like, when will i ever be that person who gets to fly off to rome and eat gelato ice-cream and authentic pizza and spaghetti and see the colosseum (which took me one google search to figure out the spelling of). or go underneath niagra falls and get soaking wet and straddle the boundary between america and canada.

i guess the obvious answer is that all these things require money. essentially, money doesn't make the world go round, but it does get you around the world. so, at the end of the day, i guess the closest i can get to nature hiking in Yellowstone National Park is the Travel Living Channel.

rest

2011-03-10T01:25:00.002+08:00

all i need now is a lot of rest ...

a lot of warm water, a lot of tissues, a lot of teddy bears, the occasional panadol relief, a good bed, an awesome companion ... but then life is still rotating outside those doors, and there are other things to worry about other than my health. there's my essay, my readings, my e-lectures, my tests, my work ... but right now, i'm putting my health first.

life's path

2011-03-05T22:38:00.003+08:00

this long journey down life's path ...

has felt like it has failed you, dear friend. but my answer to all your questions is to not give up. you may have felt like the last few months, the last year or so, have been spent for naught; well that is not true. you've taken the path less chosen, you've decided to jump where others run. now you're stuck in the mud, sick and coughing out clouds of dust to an open grey sky. you say you're alone, that you have nothing to offer, your chest is a cave of "why's" and "how's"; that is not true.

look at yourself now and see how much braver you are. see the friends you have made along this nomadic trail. those with hearts that reach out to the wanderers of this earth. those who search for friends in the dusk and not in the shining sun. take their hands and pull yourself up. shake off the dust and throw away the pebbles in your shoes.

start again, friend. the road continues ...

ntu blog

2011-02-28T14:15:00.002+08:00

interesting ntu blog ...

http://therealfakentu.blogspot.com/

especially the article on engineers as the ideal boyfriend, and its rebuttal article. wasted quite a lot of my monday afternoon, i must say. not good.

doing nothing

2011-02-28T14:05:00.001+08:00

sigh. just way too good at doing nothing these days.

the consequences are gonna bite me back later. i just know it.

film class and what you're good at

2011-02-26T00:15:00.005+08:00

today, i found myself sitting in my film class ...

as my teacher went through these heavy concepts on Montage and Realist theorists, how they have their elusive democratic designs engraved within their films, thinking what if i had gone on a different path.

what if i had the chance to be doing additional math in indonesia? then would i have been in a science stream instead of an arts stream? if i had stuck on with the singapore education when i was eight, instead of having returned to australia, would i have been in a better or worse off condition, education-wise?

one thing's for certain, i think i would have gone to a better jc ... but would i be loving the path i chose? and would i really understand what i love or do things 'cause they produced better grades?

sometimes i wonder if the world is pathed 'cause you are good at something rather than whether you love something.

i'm not really good at this theory game at the moment, the one in my film class, where i'm supposed to analyse how cinema should or should not be viewed. my opinions have always been a bit hazy when it came to arguing a stand for such a thing. it had me thinking maybe i'd be better off in some biology class, labelling the monocots and dicots. you know, some sort of memory game rather than the theory and "everything-is-an-answer" game.

but then, i'd have to backtrack and remind myself that i'm doing something i love rather than something i'm good at. sometimes what you love, you're not always good at. but you do it anyway 'cause the passion you have for it supersedes your need to ace it.

facebook qualms

2011-02-24T23:00:00.002+08:00

is essentially pregnant with ironies ...

firstly, its name "facebook" is an oxymoron. it alludes to the term "don't judge a book by its cover". but, essentially, that is what we're doing in facebook ... judging people by their faces and photos, judging them at face-value.

it is hypocritical. mark zuckerberg claimed that in creating facebook, he wished to make the world more open. it is meant to be a social network, after all. but facebook breeds egocentricity and exclusivity. you choose your friends. now, what's very social in that?

go look at your homepage. what do you see but people discouraging themselves so that others can encourage them, or people praising themselves and having others praise them in return. essentially what do you have but a myriad of voices of the same ilk, narcissistically reflecting on their own lives?

but no, i am not going to putdown people for doing this. 'cause what facebook inevitably creates is a forum for people to write what's on their minds. but, maybe there's a reason why God never made us mind readers ... 'cause it reveals one charateristic foible of all human beings, the inability to cease their worrying minds and put their internal thunderstorms to rest.

so, don't complain that people are complaining about their lives, that people are worrying about life on facebook. zuckerberg created this outlet for them to share, and they are sharing. maybe self-censorship should be at hand, but face it, privacy and internet don't go together. where there is a place for them to receive self-assurance that they are not alone with their worries, that is where people will go. in the 21st century, sadly, facebook is one option, and to some people, that's all they think they have.

you don't like this? don't read. in alfred hitchcock's Rear Window, jeff soon learnt that private lives were not meant to observed from binoculars, even if people's windows are wide open. it's wrong to make assumptions of people you don't know. likewise, facebook's "windows" may be wide open, but that does not make it ethically right for you to watch everything and make opinions of people you don't know.

people will forever have opinions and qualms about life. you're just adding to the masses by complaining about it. but then, maybe i'm at moot point, by writing this post about people complaining about people who complain.

alas, the vicious cycle continues ...

love advice 101

2011-02-23T03:01:00.005+08:00

to those who want to fall in love ...

love was never my priority in life. although, there were times when i would just wonder when the perfect guy would come. but then, i'd skeptically dissect the term 'perfect', sigh to myself, ruffle my hair in disgust, and continue with my life.

so, i guess, when he just magically appeared in front of me one night while i was randomly surfing youtube videos once more, i guess i felt ... selfish? if that's the correct term. and then i felt even more selfish when i watched my friends around me try to grapple with this perplexing thing called love. though, i don't think it's love, exactly, that's complexed. it's humans trying to make it more complex than it is. love is love; jealousy, unrequited sentiments, uncertainty, hesitance .. those are different things entirely.

so then, someone tells me to go ahead and write love advice and i feel like choking on my own saliva. 'cause honestly i never knew the first thing about it. am i on wiser footings here? i think when it comes down to it, all us humans are (as Switchfoot aptly puts it) amateur lovers. when it comes down to it, God probably knows a whole lot more about love than us.

but, i guess, there are a few things that i want to mention:

your heart is not for sale. i usually have a eight-month-rule before telling anyone my secrets. if you think pity votes count as love, you're mistaken. that's called sympathy, or empathy.

self-worth comes first. if you're not a strong and happy individual, love won't make you any stronger or happier. love does not define you. 'cause if you ever lose that love, you shouldn't lose yourself in the process too (not all of you at least).

don't chase. okay, this is maybe my opinion. mostly 'cause i've never "chased" anyone to begin with. or maybe 'cause i'm so old fashioned and i believe that if a guy likes you, he will, someday, make the move. to me, chasing takes too much emotional effort than necessary. it looks desperate. it looks rushed. it looks unnatural. why go all out for a guy who will probably only love you when you're "all out"? find a guy who'll love you as you are.

don't choose just any guy. some people are in love with falling in love. but after the effects of "falling in love" wear out, they realise that there is nothing compatible between them at all. the only reason you're together is 'cause he asked (and no one else will) and you felt like saying "yes". that's not good enough.

and those are all the ones i can think of now. they may seem pretty generic, but sometimes it's surprising how many people forget these things when the onslaught of butterflies begins to attack their tummies.

now, no more love advice!

my defenses

2011-02-18T23:22:00.005+08:00

in my defense ...

i have always been the same me. i have always been wildly defensive, insecure and shy. i always put up a front when i feel like i'm going to get hurt in some situation, and the only reason why i pull back is 'cause i'm unsure. so if i pull back a bit, maybe it's 'cause i don't know you as well as i used to. but that doesn't mean that i don't want to. it doesn't meant that i don't care. it's just things change, and my inhibitions grow.

it's like snow in the winter, covering the front door. you keep melting the ice or creating a path with a snowplough and you'll be welcome all the time. but once you go away, don't think that the snow won't stop falling and the door won't get covered once more, buried under a ton of soft white flakes. i can always try, you know, if you want me to. i can always leave the door ajar. but if you keep away, that snow is going to build at my front door and it's going to come in, and i might drown in it. you keep asking me to keep it open for you, i don't mind, i'll let the snow come on in ('cause i do want you to come back). but if you're never going to come back and melt the ice ... don't be surprised that maybe one day when you come back, you won't find that house anymore.

The Little Things

2011-02-16T11:52:00.003+08:00

sad things getting you down?

go here: http://just-littlethings.tumblr.com/. this blog teaches you to appreciate the little things. i'm sure you'll find something to smile or laugh about.

valentine's day

2011-02-13T18:12:00.004+08:00

while i write this, i must confess ...

i have never had a valentine. this year will be the first year that i am celebrating it with someone special. but, i must admit, my impressions of valentine's day have not been awesome. mostly because i feel it's such an overrated holiday, an excuse for capitalistic industries to coax people to spend money on hallmark cards, flowers, chocolates and soft toys. why must one wait for february the 14th to show the person who means the most to them how much they mean? and then, there's always competition. why must people be so competitive to ensure that they've made the biggest gesture? what does this day celebrate but capitalism and animosity? what does this day do but make those who are single feel lonelier and those who are together conceited? when it comes down to it, the primary effects of valentine's day are materialism and partiality.

i'm a natural traditionalist. all i really want for valentine's is a simple rose and a handmade card from someone who genuinely likes me (and not because of the pressure of finding a valentine on that day). but when i hear of people throwing away huge amounts of money on jewellery, labelled brands and expensive dinners, i go a bit light-headed and perplexed. 'cause if you're meant to spend so much on someone to show them how much they mean to you - well, that's not my idea of love. 'cause a person will love you, regardless of the figure in your bank account. i've always wondered what it's like for the guy, the huge amount of pressure they get to do something special for the one they love. i've seen guys walk nervously into scrapbook stores trying to find material for a birthday card ... or a miracle gift. it makes me sympathetic.

so what, in my opinion, should february the 14th be about? a simple rose, a card or letter with words from your heart, kisses and hugs, an appreciation not for the special someone who has made your life wonderful, but also to special friends, i celebration of love, God's love, Jesus' love. and when it comes down to it, love is not about the things we can buy for someone, but the things we give with our heart attached to it. it's things we labour on that we give to others with pride 'cause we've spent three hours making and almost slicing our fingers off doing, things that are so attached to us, but we give it to the other person 'cause it means more for them to have it than you. it's selfless love. it feels hundreds of times better and is a hundred times more meaningful.

that's what valentine's day should be about.

2011-01-30T12:47:00.003+08:00

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

an overwhelming sense of guilt and regret overcame me a few days ago. this sudden thought that things must change. selflessness. that was the message. be selfless, more selfless than you can ever imagine. put others before you in ways you have never thought before. that is what you must do, in God's name.

i have thought too selfishly these days. i have done actions meekly but not full-heartedly, i have tried to think well of people, but i have not tried to think the best.

today, i shall not try to fit myself into other people's lives, but create myself as a frame for them, so that their colours will not fade, they will not fall, they will not diminish in value over time, but increase. i will think of you and make it known. i will think of You and make it known.

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." - 1 Corinthians 13

this verse always comes back to me.

teacher's pet

2011-01-28T14:01:00.004+08:00

an admitted goodie-two-shoes, teacher's-pet ...

soft-spoken, raise my hand, consultations, essay writing, pay attention, good eye-contact, nods and smiles, full attendance student. if i make the teacher mad, i'll feel super guilty and wish to make amends. the day i interrupt the teacher or speak when the teacher is speaking will be the day the world comes to an end. i'm your do-your-homework, hand-in-assignments-on-time kind of girl. it makes me cringe at the thought of breaking the rules. i respect teachers for the work they do. 'cause i could never in my life picture myself dedicating my time to teaching a bunch of students who don't appreciate and dedicate their time to learning. i sit in class to pay attention, to learn something at the end of the day. i may not say much, i may be the quiet one who sits and nods and smiles eagerly for the teacher to go on, but i am mentally present. i sit up straight and take notes on anything and everything, even if it's not important.

at the end of the day this makes me feel good, it is a part of who i am and i cannot change it. you tell me to break a rule or to "heck care" for the amusement of seeing me act out of my element, but at the end of the day, i know that is not me. so why try to be anything other than myself?

guaranteed pick me ups

2011-01-27T00:50:00.004+08:00

guaranteed pick-me-ups ...

i'm just writing down what every girl loves in her life: the little things that people forget to give to them, especially when, outside they may be acting like everything's okay, but inside they may be torn and confused and having a bad day.

so if you have a few seconds to spare in your life, do some of these things. they only take a little effort, but they can make someone's day. :)

randomly sms telling them they are beautiful, that they are being thought of, that they are special, that they are loved.
be the one to sms first. take the initiative.
when you see them, don't just smile and wave, stop them in their tracks and say that it's good to see them, compliment them, ask them how their day is, actually listen to their reply. if they look sad, give them a hug.
if they look left out, be the one to walk up to them and welcome them into the conversation. let them share in your laughter.
buy something random, like sweets or chocolates or even stationery, and give it to them. it lets them know they were thought of .. and face it, who doesn't like being given little things now and then? it makes you happy too to see their faces! even if it's a "what the heck?" face. oh, oh, and chocolates have endorphins that make people happy. a plus plus!
tell a joke and watch them laugh. share in their laughter.
suggest ice-cream!
pop up randomly now and then with games to play. create moments of fun. down the road, those spontaneous moments will be stand-out memories.
pray for them.
create a new nickname for them. something that is theirs to call their own. unless they hate it. then tease them with that nickname for ten seconds and then admit failure. laugh about it.
plan a day of fun. even half a day is worth it. spend time with them. sometimes everyone needs a little bit of attention.
have meaningful conversations. not just "okay" and "lol" conversations. share what you are doing, thinking of, what you like, random facts. ask them to share in return.
when there's nothing to be done: smile. a smile does wonders, even if the other person is frowning. smile and say "everything is going to be okay".

and that's my list! i'm sure there are many more things that can help someone feel better, but those are the few that i can think of at this moment. never let someone suffer in silence. always be there to help. that's what i can say. you think someone needs to get over something alone .. but sometimes maybe all they need is for friends to show them that the world is still thinking of them, and ready to help them move on.

why did i write this? 'cause, honestly, i need a pick-me-up this week. and i'm pretty sure many of you out there do too. every day of the week, really. everyone deserves to be happy every day of the week.

don't forget

2011-01-23T01:28:00.002+08:00

we spend so much time worrying over results. we worry over not having enough money to ever buy the things we want. everytime we ever come close to getting that thing we've been dreaming over for weeks, months, there's some sort of expenses that we've got to cover that takes all the money you've been saving and rolls you back to square one. we worry that we are not pretty enough, that everyone looks beautiful effortlessly, and no matter how much sleep we get, how much exercising we do, how much we spend on clothes and make up, we are never good enough. we worry that others don't care enough, that we aren't worthy of them caring, that we don't have as many friends as others, that we are not getting the love that we believe we deserve. we worry about our futures, where we'll end up, what job we'll do for the rest of our lives, how much we'll be earning, who we marry and how to raise our children - if we even want children. we worry about the lives we're charting for ourselves so much we forget.

we forget to appreciate how much effort we have put into our pasts to get to where we are now. we forget to appreciate the fact that we have a house, food and security. many are on the verge of poverty, famine, trying their best not to end up on the streets, happy to even live another day. we forget to appreciate the beauty within, that every individual is uniquely beautiful, and in God's eyes we are his creations of love. we forget to love first before searching for love in others. we forget to love everyone, rather than those who love us back. it is those who are hard to love that deserve the most effort from us to reach out and spread our warmth within them. it is the most unlikely people that we find the most unlikely and most precious friendships. we spend so much time worrying about our futures, we forget to appreciate the slow and gradual changes in time. we forget to appreciate what we have now: fresh air on the verge of pollution, creatures that are on the verge of extinction, human beings at the hands of mutability of time.

we worry and we forget. take the time to stop worrying occasionally to remember.

Jesus' Job

2011-01-20T19:34:00.001+08:00

2011-01-20T12:51:00.002+08:00

my college expectations vs. reality ...

you kind of expect yourself becoming more independent, you expect that you learn how to cook and clean for yourself, take care of yourself, which is kind of true. you don't really cook for yourself though, 'cause most of the stuff are store bought, or cup noodles that you just add hot water for and wait for three minutes. you kind of miss home more.

you assume that it's going to be like the college movies. that you're going to have to try and avoid all the vices like sex, violence, drugs, alcohol etc. which isn't true, 'cause you realise that this country is way too safe and that the things you do have to avoid include the security guard and places where your professors probably loiter during their breaks e.g. canteens - avoid catching their eye and passing for awkward conversation or tea and coffee, which i don't drink.

you expect homework to be kind of side pastime, the rest of your days will be spent doing the things you love. but then you realise that you still have to slog your way through exams. and, even worse, the teachers aren't going to be on your back and giving you guidance, and there's no such thing as university tuition centres, so you're on your own there, unless you can pay some super genius senior to give you lessons on previous subjects they have done.

you kinda expect crazy insane freshmen orientations where they wake you up in the middle of the night, blind you with flashlights, splash water all over you and tell you to ridiculous things ... that's partially true.

you expect that you'll spend your holidays doing something wild and insane like going to clubs and spring breaks, or whatever nonsense the films depict to young teenagers. but then you find yourself in the recreational room all summer training scrabble and boggle for a tournament between the halls where everyone comes together to see who has memorized the most words ... yeah, nerdy.

so in the end, is this what i wanted my college experience to be like? or did i want something more? or maybe something less? i think it's safe to say that everyone's own experience is unique to their own self. and, who knows what can and may happen next, 'cause i'm still in my second year, and things are just getting exciting.

period of time where things seemed to be good

2011-01-08T22:03:00.003+08:00

4) write about a period of time in your life where things seemed to be constantly going good.

it's hard, and at the same time, not hard for me to answer this one. i'll take period of time to mean a few months rather than years or days. it seems like a fair inbetween guesstimate. i guess the "period of time" when things seemed to be constantly going good has to be between late december and april 2009-2010. "why" you ask?

firstly, there was christmas tree camwhoring at orchard with rheyza, clair and liling, which included loads of laughter, stories and picture-taking. then my scrabble team for hall won championships! then my hall won recreational championships. then during recess week I had the chance to organise a really awesome birthday celebration for my roomie who was turning twenty-one. then we also went to body worlds and the science centre and watched alice in wonderland, all in one day. meanwhile, something else special was happening ... that will be one of the secrets that I am not giving away on this blog. all i can say is those five months were ... and still are ... life changing. :)

the best things in life are free

2011-01-07T00:11:00.000+08:00

disney

2011-01-01T17:11:00.005+08:00

a disney 1.1.11 ...

just spent a day watching finding nemo and aladdin and enchanted. a very merry disney new year.

i was also watching the most recent addition to the disney princess line up, rapunzel (or more commonly known as tangled) last week and i guess, at twenty, i was somewhat thwarted by the unsatisfactory character developments that disney has (and maybe has always) presented.

two-dimensional characters with two-dimensional plots of idealistic romances and dreams that come true. maybe, i've grown to be too much of a realist. don't get me wrong, i love the traditional fairytale, but sometimes when you try to juxtapose it with reality you find yourself trying to straddle a see-saw: you're either unsatisfied with reality, or you're unsatisfied with disney and the sparkly expectations they present little girls. you grow up and you realise that prince charming is not going to come along on a white horse, and that you are not a princess living in a tower with a beautiful soprano voice and hair that shines like the sun (unless you maintain it really really well, i suppose). which, i guess, is why disney is starting to present more princesses as heroines in their own tales. but ... it doesn't work!

disney has two-dimensional characters for the most obvious reason: it is a conventional model of prince rescues princess. and what happens when it tries to turn this model around? you get plot holes! why have a princess who can rescue herself wait for prince charming to come for her to realise that she could have probably gotten out of the tower alone? why have a prince charming who is a rogue when he's just going to do a one-eighty for no reason and suddenly become a soppy swooning doormat? why have a princess with personality when the first thing that actually catches the prince's attention in the first place is her physical appearance?

i think it's a nice attempt by disney, but maybe not in their reach to achieve. maybe they need to perfect the art of choosing characters who are not of royal lineage. maybe simple people just falling in love for more complex and beautiful reasons than the fact that she is a princess and he is a prince. or maybe, in the end, we've just got to wake up and become discerning viewers and not fall for the ideals of disney. we've got to realise that that is a beautiful dream but reality has its beauty too.

sure, we'd love to fall for a prince charming, have him rescue us from the banalities of our day-to-day existence, but we'd also like our prince charming to fall in love with who we are and not for what we look like. sure, we'd like all our dreams to come true, live a beautiful life in a castle in a land far faraway, but we'd also like the satisfaction of having to work for our dreams and knowing that what was built was built with our own hands and hardwork.

disney is beautiful, but what we make of ourselves in reality can be even more so. the greatest love story will never be told by disney. the greatest love story, in fact, can never be told. it is your own, yours to keep. no other story will be the same, or any better, 'cause only you can feel the way you do when something amazing happens. and sometimes, that story takes patience to be told. disney makes everything seem so fast and immediate, but you've got to realise that reality takes a while; it teaches you to be humble and kind and respectful, it unravels like a delicate silk thread from the needle, it weaves a tapestry and then covers you, tucks you in, kisses you goodnight, gives you sweet dreams that come true, and at the end of the day, you're thankful.

disney can never give you that. just remember. paradoxically, the best fairytales are not fairytales at all.

2011

2010-12-31T01:44:00.004+08:00

in 2011 ...

i just want to be me,
more and more and more.
short, sweet, simple.

things i want to accomplish

2010-12-30T10:54:00.002+08:00

rheyza requested: "make a list of things you want to do/have/accomplish [this] year"

sorry, rheyza, this is so overdue. mostly 'cause i really couldn't think of anything. and mostly 'cause i was very tempted to write 'everthing' or something vague like that. but then, i wouldn't do your question justice.

part one: things i want to do

complete my creative writing minor
celebrate my first valentine's day with a valentine - finally! (although last years will be hard to top. hehe.)
go to universal studios singapore
get on a plane to somewhere (please please mum just let me get out of this country!)

part two: things i want to have

things i need. that's all i can think of.

part three: things i want to accomplish

i'm thinking this is GPA related, so i'll say a 4.5. but probably by third year, not second. i'm at a disadvantage now with the third and fourth years in my class.
i want to still be with novio at the end of 2011 ... and onwards.
i still want to be friends with rheyza and clair and liling and sharon. i want to keep the friends that matter.

grateful for in 2010

2010-12-30T03:29:00.005+08:00

rheyza requested: "list 10 things you are most greatful for this year! (or more!)"

um, first thing's first. "greatful" is spelt "grateful" :)

grate·ful [greyt-fuhl]
–adjective

1. warmly or deeply appreciative of kindness or benefits received; thankful: I am grateful to you for your help.
2. expressing or actuated by gratitude: a grateful letter.
3. pleasing to the mind or senses; agreeable or welcome; refreshing: a grateful breeze.

i am grateful for getting back into hall .. i dunno. that was the first thing i thought of. with so many 9.30am classes in the first semester, i'm grateful that school is only a few steps and bus A away.
i am grateful for novio's forgiving nature. :)
i am grateful that clair and B1 and anisah were around during hall FOC. otherwise, i might not have survived.
i am grateful for changi airport, a place i can go to when i feel uninspired or wanderlust during the long holidays.
i am grateful for a well-stocked pantry of tom yup cup noodles and canned tuna when i'm hungry at night and supper is not an option.
i am grateful for glee episodes, something good in the middle of the weekday!
i am grateful for a mum and dad who can cook awesome food for me when i get back home.
i am grateful for my minor in creative writing. i finally found my poetic voice! and the cure for writer's block. hehe.
i am grateful for persevering friends (yes, you, rheyza!) those that stick by me in the good times and the bad, especially the bad. you can smile and laugh easily with friends, but it's true friends that'll hug your tears away.
i am grateful, above all, for God's love.

24 hours to live

2010-12-26T01:40:00.003+08:00

3) If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you want to do?

watch the sunrise / play on swings / eat irish rum ice-cream / eat chicken chop with pasta at anchorpoint / camwhore with MIRACLES / listen to novio play the piano / watch a movie with hannie / stargaze at marina barrage / watch my mum laugh at her korean dramas / karaokeparty with my bro / finish up my poetry / self-reflect at changi airport, terminal 2's aviation gallery / and the remaining few hours, i'd spend all of it with novio.

(i would of gone to ireland, but apparently my 24 hours would be up by the time i reach there)

Best friends ...

2010-12-26T01:08:00.002+08:00

2) Write about the best friends you’ve had over the years.

wow, the past feels like such a blur. i don't know about best friends, but i know a few friends here and there that i remember.

in australia, i had sheena, amy, fion, kerryn, noopur, emma ... i remember i used to write this series of short stories about girls owning ponies when i was eleven and i put them in it and they each had a personal pony that they got to name and have adventures with. that seemed like such a long time ago. i also remember that in year five i had a really close friend named, rina, for a good six months. then she had to leave for melbourne. but about two years ago i went to visit her in brisbane. we hadn't seen each other for eight years but it was great catching up with her again. it is always awesome to see how people change (and stay the same) over the years.

then in indonesia i had friends like priya, parina, fahita, amy, rachel, aarti, chehna, karen, nitish and jeffry. it took me quite a few years before i started to get to know them better, and i had to leave jakarta soon after that. they're now on different continents of the world. it's amazing how everyone has a different journey to take in life. priya, my best friend, is in NUS in singapore with me. parina is in indonesia, fahita is in england, amy and karen are in australia, and jeffry is in new zealand. it's quite awesome that your friends are conquering the world. and some of them are the nicest people i've ever known, priya especially! i remember the first day in year seven i was sitting on a random desk, reading a book, and she comes up to me and asks where i'm going to sit and then we just stuck together like glu. then one day someone asked if we're best friends. i hesitated, wondering, and then she says, without hesitation, "of course we are!" and i felt so touched and we've been best friends ever since.

then in jc i had choir friends like myint zu, evangeline and azirah to keep me company, and miscellanious friends like hannie. they got me through a lot of tough times. we sang our cares away, told ridiculous, childish jokes that others didn't understand. it was awesome. and now in uni i have rheyza, i have clair and liling and sharon and ivy.

MasterChef Whitney Miller

2010-12-23T23:48:00.003+08:00

Whitney Miller ...

is so adorable! haha. i just finished watching the first season of Masterchef and was really rooting for this 22-year-old southern, "pastry princess". she's just so humble and dedicated and focused. and the icing on the cake (pun intended) was that she won! 'cause sometimes that doesn't happen. sometimes you watch shows and the one with the inflated ego and big mouth wins. i guess ol' traditional me roots for good over evil.

when whitney dropped her chicken, on the floor, ten minutes before the end of that final cook-off, my heart sunk, i thought that that was it. i expected her to freeze, to break down, to lose it - 'cause i surely would have done that, with good reason, with so much on the line, and so little time. i would have broken down. but no, she nodded her head, accepted it, and did the best she could and managed to redo her dish in the last second. oh my goodness, i was just rooting for her so badly! 'cause she never gave up. she showed a lot of strength and courage, and it was all worth it in the end. now, she's titled as the first masterchef, won $250,000, has a chance to make her own cookbook and had all her dreams come true at such a young age.

anyway, i really got to say that she is an inspiration and a rare talent. shows that age doesn't always define you, that you can go out there and, if you put your heart and soul into something (provided that you understand your strengths and limits), you can really get somewhere far!

1. Post 15 facts about yourself

2010-12-22T17:22:00.006+08:00

1) Post 15 facts about yourself.

My favourite season is autumn.
Three things I couldn't live without when stranded on a deserted island include a pencil, huge notepad and a good-quality camera.
My favourite books would include Jostein Gaarder's Sophie's World and Ian McEwan's Atonement.
My favourite author is Virginia Woolf.
I'm a night person. Not a morning person.
I would love to visit Ireland someday, get lost in it.
My favourite holiday is Christmas, 'cause I get to give presents and smiles to those I love.
My favourite colour is turquoise.
My favourite animals are wolves and lambs, ironically.
My favourite song is "View From Heaven" by Yellowcard.
My favourite movie is Pan's Labyrinth, or El Labrinto Del Fauno.
I hate pizza, except Timbre pizza.
The best smell in the world, in my opinion, is fresh-cooked bread, the smell of rising dough in the oven. Mmhmm.
My favourite number is 216.
The last movie I watched was Narnia 3: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

christmas mixtape 2010

2010-12-19T01:43:00.003+08:00

My 2010 Christmas Mixtape ...

1. Taylor Swift - Christmas Must Be Something More
2. A Rocket to the Moon- I Believe In Us (This Holiday)
3. Alex Goot - Next Christmas Eve
4. Lady Antebellum - On This Winter's Night
5. Mia Rose - What Would Christmas Be like?
6. Rascal Flatts - White Christmas
7. Jason Mraz - Winter Wonderland
8. - Tristan Prettyman ft. Jason Mraz - All I Want for Christmas Is Us
9. Colbie Caillat - "Mistletoe"
10. Colbie Caillat - Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
11. Train - Shake Up Christmas

3 stages of life

2010-12-16T21:11:00.001+08:00

Reminder: DO THIS

2010-12-15T01:59:00.001+08:00

Something to fill my blog with after exams

1) Post 15 facts about yourself.
2) Write about the best friends you’ve had over the years.
3) If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you want to do?
4) Write about a period of time in your life where things seemed to be constantly going good.
5) When was the last time you were truly honest with someone? What was it about?
6) Post your favorite quote.
7) How do you feel today?
8) What’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to you?
9) What’s the meanest thing anyone has ever said to you?
10) Write about the best day of your life.
11) Write about the worst day of your life.
12) What are your plans for the future? Far and near.
13) Write about something you worry about a lot.
14) Write about your relationship status.
15) Post one confession/ secret.
16) Write about your last birthday and how you plan to spend your upcoming birthday.
17) What did you eat today?
18) How has your life changed over the past year?
19) Find a horoscope site and post yours.
20) How was your week been?
21) Where is somewhere you would want to visit?
22) If you had three wishes, what would they be?
23) Write about any particular habits/mannerisms that you have.
24) Where do you think you’ll be in 5 years.

just a girl

2010-12-10T23:43:00.003+08:00

at the end of the day

what am i

as i stand before His kingdom

pearls of raindrops

on his silvern gate

with the mist

ankles-chasing

with their linings

and the sun-backdrop

smiling effervescently

sherbet running along

the length of my tongue

as i admit my faults

and plea my existence

i know

i am just a girl

created from His Hand

with His Love

at the end of the day

it is not my Achievements

my Pride

that distinguish me from others

that i should exert my efforts

and my virtue

not on material gains

on material certificates

of my worth

but my worth in Him

that i should embrace

all that He has given me

and not all that i want

for all i want is not His to give

but all that i need

He will willingly make me fight for

Philippians 4:19

But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

the best birthday in the world

2010-12-09T14:12:00.002+08:00

the best birthday in the world

it has got to be Jesus' birthday. on our birthday, we get presents for ourselves, but on Jesus' birthday, we get presents for each other. it's the idea of giving more than you receive; it's about celebrating God's love for us, that He has brought to us our only son to die for our sake. sixteen days til christmas: have you been thankful for all that God has given you? thankful of the friends you share your life with? the family that have taken good care of you? the people who have given parts of themselves just to see that beautiful smile spread on your face? be thankful for everything that is given to you, be thankful that Jesus saved you from your sins, so that you may live again, to celebrate in His Name. spread the love, the joy, the happiness!

loving now

2010-12-09T01:13:00.003+08:00

believe it or not

but i love this moment right here and now. even though it's like the beginning of exam period, and there are lots that we have to get done, i feel really really blissful! i'm listening to christmas carols while studying, finishing up essays with deadlines way too close to exams, reading books that i was too lazy to even start in the midst of semester, gruelling long descriptions of explorations i don't even care about .. but i get to see you every day, i get to eat vanilla cones with you and go supper with you, and look up at you from time to time and we'd smile, laugh and say "nothing" ... i love it as it is now. ♥

musings

2010-12-02T17:55:00.004+08:00

more musings.

we are all human. we like to think of ourselves as extraordinary. but a majority of times we feel less than ordinary. we like to be around people who remind us of who we are; we like to be praised.

there are always those who wish to discredit our importance and significance in the world. they call themselves realists. they purport a world where everyone is just "a copy of a copy of a copy" - staring down the barrel of a gun at palahniuk. they look through a macroscopic lens. they do not see the self-conscious being within with the potential to push beyond the ordinary (and sometimes with good reason, 'cause we are unable to see the potential ourselves, so self-worth becomes negligible). but, there is potential.

so, what if we take out a microscope and skim it over the lives of individuals, will we find this potential? or will all things look bleaker than expected.

maybe it is this fear that we aren't able to achieve anything extraordinary that we do not try to delve into the inner recesses of individuality, or, maybe it is this fear that we have more to offer than we thought. maybe, in the end, we will have to face the fact that we are underperforming.

but who is the examiner in this test of ours called life? God, maybe. each other, maybe. ourselves, definitely.

in the end, when we look back on our lives, we want to feel as though we've accomplished everything we've ever set out to accomplish, or to have at least died trying.

"forget the risk and take the fall; if it's what you want then it's worth it all."

Photo credits go to emilykim

Ms Nathan

2010-11-29T23:34:00.004+08:00

and then she is reborn

a dozen more stars in the sky

a dozen more daisies on the grass

a whispered word

a memory

she lives in the eyes of others

R.I.P. Ms Evelyn Nathan, my beloved JC Literature teacher ♥

An article I found about her: http://sg.theasianparent.com/articles/dying-alone-in-singapore

against bullying

2010-11-28T20:43:00.007+08:00

against bullying.
http://www.pacerteensagainstbullying.org/

my story when it comes to bullying is that i hid behind my books the first day of a new school, every new school i transferred to, every three years, every new country. my greatest weapon had always been a good thick book that i could hide my face behind, times new roman font i can squeeze my nose against, a different world full of accepting people.

kids weren't kind. during my early childhood, i was brought up in a school that taught me the phrase "if you're got nothing good to say, don't say anything at all" - so i said very little to them. i didn't know them, so i didn't want to make assumptions about them. but they were in groups, masses, so they made assumptions about me.

they saw that i didn't react or shout at them when they teased me or insulted me, they called me a brick wall or made out of stone. they saw that i did my homework and listened to the teachers, they called me goody-two-shoes and too Christian. i acted like i didn't care, but i always did. if someone says something bad about you, wouldn't you be hurt in some way?

what i'm trying to get at is that this probably happens to everyone, somewhere. stupid name calling, people assume, doesn't hurt, you're meant to be the bigger person and look pass it. but they're wrong. it does hurt, all the time. otherwise hundreds of kids wouldn't be committing suicide every year over such a matter. bullying makes you feel like you've lost your self-respect and self-confidence.

but for a majority of us who do get through the ordeal, in a way, it makes us stronger. in the end, it gets tiresome, they've pointed out all your weaknesses, it's nothing new. and now your weaknesses become some form of strength for you. but i find it sad to think of those who have succumbed to bullying because they did not have anyone to reach out to or any means of support. and looking back on the memories i have of high school, it still hurts to think of the stupid names people have called me and the stupid things they do to get attention.

"if you have nothing good to say, don't say anything at all."

Homesick

2010-11-27T23:18:00.003+08:00

tonight, i'm homesick

i need doses of sarcasm towards dad

korean dramas from mum

and retarded nonsense from my brother

i just wanna go home. :(

Photo credits go to Raineater

The Reader

2010-11-21T22:47:00.002+08:00

For Clair,

page 20: “i can’t believe i'm another year older”.
(every page starts like this?)
He flips through checking, nods
every page starts like this
He reads out loud
each word enunciated, articulated
He’s a slow reader
(thank goodness for that)
but only because He wants everyone to hear
how beautiful this character is
He’s read many books
some long and beautiful
some short and agonising
but each one special
each with its own meaning
He should know, He wrote them all
and here He is at page 20
He shakes His head and laughs
for He knows,
that 20 is barely scratching the surface of the story
how much happens in 20 pages?
the character is introduced
the plot is set up
maybe some small conflicts here and there
but He knows that the best parts
are still pages away
as they should be

a year in your life
is a page in your book
a page that He reads out with care
a year in your life
is a page in a book
a page that He’s written for you

Photo credits go to extrasist0le

Belle

2010-11-21T15:11:00.002+08:00

"Look there she goes
That girl is strange, no question
Dazed and distracted, can't you tell
Never part of any crowd
Cause her head is up in some cloud
No denying she's a funny girl that Belle."

"Look there she goes
That girl is so peculiar
I wonder if she's feeling well
With a dreamy far-off look
And her nose stuck in a book
What a puzzle to the rest of us is Belle."

Wake up

2010-11-15T18:37:00.002+08:00

"If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person?"

"You wake up, and you're nowhere."

"You wake up, and that's enough."

- Fight Club, Chuck Palahniuk

Photo credits go to sunset-accident